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Ungodly Hours Reboot

tezmelPosted for Everyone to comment on, 5 years ago3 min read

It's past 2 am and I am supposed to be asleep but here I am typing my thoughts away in the middle of the night. A cup of cold milk is sitting beside me and I have been reading some weird shit online before deciding to post this.

How is everyone doing?

I am an emotional wreck on this end. Again? You ask... Ever experienced joy on intoxicating levels while dealing with tonnes of shit on the other hand? Yes? No? It's the most confusing state a soul can ever be in. It's mentally crippling.

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ShonEjai/Pixabay.

My beating heart walked right back in my life and I can't really explain the joy of hearing her own heartbeat from where I am typing this. For more than a decade, she was in the hands of her father and I had to work for our budding relationship from kilometers away.

It is still so disturbing to know that I didn't get to raise her and it hurts in ways I will never manage to explain but I can't help but be super grateful that I am getting to know her now.

Her favorite color is blue just like her brothers. She loves rice and noodles. Mango juice and vanilla yogurt follow closely. It was thrilling to find out she loves books which I have in plenty as I do too. And that she's also a tomboy just like her mother.

Minor details for anyone else probably but to me, it means a world and its own shining moon. That is the intoxicating joy part. That and these short but building conversations that we have had in the last 48 hours. I am in my own vast heaven.

But... Even as I am this euphoric about her coming home with me after finishing her grade eight school year, I am dealing with what it cost me and her emotionally for her to be here. The blackmail she had to go through from her 'dad' (her father's younger brother) just because she chose going home with her mother over his brother.

The confusion I saw in her eyes when he caused a scene before her astonished classmates, some of their parents and her teachers. The rage she saw me trying to contain after he threatened to beat me up in her presence. Imagine that... I feel angry that she had to experience any of it. Add my working through the memories that his threat dag from my severely abused past thanks to his brother.

How do you deal with such? Do tell...

I also recall how her thin fingers trembled as she handed me the school fees balance they refused to clear to 'punish' her for refusing to go home with them. The concern in her eyes as she asked me if I will manage to clear it in time to get her final exams results which determine which high school she goes in January next year.

It's disturbing, right? I had to get it off my chest to help me get back to my writing space as nothing else seems to work. I wish I can join #NaNoWri I hope it works. I hope I get this relationship right. I hope I manage to prove a few more people wrong. I hope I don't disappoint my own heart because that is what she is. I hope I find financial freedom soon, stability now is a priority.

Wish me luck...!

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ShonEjai/Pixabay.

Thank you for coming.

Also posted on my steemit

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