Dependency Issues and a Healthy Desire for Human Interaction

Some people like to be alone most of the time. This has always been a bit hard for me to understand. I’ve always been fascinated with people. Even when they’ve let me down, I still feel a desire to connect with others. The only exception to this is when I’ve been knocked down so thoroughly that I can’t muster up the energy to face anyone.

I understand that not everyone who enjoys solitude is broken, that there is something healthy about being able to enjoy ones alone time. I’ve experienced it for short bouts, but it’s still something I’m getting used to. I love that I love people and I don’t want to inhibit that in any way. Still one has to be able to stand on their own two feet and my love for people, as a child, was a bit more of an obsession.

I spent a large chunk of my youth having long conversations with friends and strangers on AOL 3.0. I dug into every topic under the sun and discovered so much about the world and myself through this practice. This was the first place I felt free to be myself because my classmates were not very interested in talking about life, beliefs, dreams, possibilities, they just liked to talk about television and sports. Thanks to the internet, I realized how big the world is and how there are all kinds of people and possibilities with people that we can’t imagine from our own perspective. Perhaps this feeling of unlimited possibilities is where my “obsession” with human beings come from.

I do find that most social situations are not fulfilling for me when I’m not already in state of peaceful bliss. The way we tend to interact with each other is lack-based. We compete and dominate each other in social situations, or in some cultures and situations we allow ourselves to be dominated by certain ideas and practices. I understand a desire to escape from it, but it took me a long time to distinguish the enjoyment of oneself in private without a sense of running away.

From around the time I realized that I loved people, I felt a strong desire to “change the world”. This was the real obsession. I saw people fighting against each other, failing to see each other’s pain and causing more pain for each other and themselves in the failure to see how we are all connected. I found myself constantly focused on this, and seeing everything in terms of what I could do to help people.

When I could not find others to connect with, or a problem to solve, or some kind of feedback positive or negative, I would quickly find myself out of balance. I could not find a purpose outside of the way that I interacted with others. This caused all kinds of dependency. By my adult life I had overcome dependency issues in my relationships, but I still felt a compulsive drive to go out and meet new people, to accomplish my goals of building community and sharing ideas. I would become lost when there was no means of approaching these goals.

Your world reflects what is inside

Recently I discovered that I was trying hard to fix something outside because I myself was hurting inside. I hurt just like all those people I wanted to help, I was merely channeling it into something that felt more positive and creative. The underlying issues were still there though. I discovered that without listeners, I had no desire to make music, and without readers, I had no desire to write.

Recently this has been my focus. To enjoy what I enjoy for its own sake, not to try and “change the world” or reach people. I still want to make the world a better place and to interact with others, but I am learning to enjoy my surroundings more. For the first time I feel a desire to create music and write for its own sake.

This comes from the realization that there is nothing that NEEDS to happen. Everything is already perfect, we are just here creating the world we desire, but we achieve this not by trying to change anything outside, but by being the best version of ourselves.

The best version of myself is someone with a healthy desire for peace and enjoyment, not someone with an obsession over it. By becoming that person, I am effectively making the biggest impact on the world that I can, so there is no reason to focus heavily on the conditions outside myself. They are merely a reflection and by seeing them as a reflection, I know that there is something inside I need to work on in order to see the change I desire.

I am finally starting to enjoy some time away from others, just focused on whatever is in front of me.

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