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Are You A Peace-Maker? Or A Truth-Teller?

goldendawnePosted for Everyone to comment on, 5 years ago5 min read

Years ago when I first started attending my church, one of the pastors who does couple's counseling had spoken to me when I was seeking some advice about changes happening in my relationship with my husband. It's not as if we going through a detrimental breakup or anything; we were just sharing some stress that every couple goes through periodically and I am not person who goes to family with these issues; and I have no real true friends to turn to for some positive reinforcements and encouraging words. So I did the next best thing... I sought some unbiased guidance.

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Well during this hour long chat, the pastor said a few things that really stuck with me over the years.

One being this...
Are you a truth-teller? Or a peacemaker? Which one are you?

Unsure of what he was referring to, I asked him to clarify. And boy did he.

Truth Teller

This is someone who can be blunt. No matter how much the words may hurt another, you re internally wired to tell the truth.
And as my husband always says, "A lie hurts more than the truth. No matter what the truth is."
So my husband is a truth-teller. No doubt about it.

Peacemaker

This is someone who will pacify others.
You, the peacemaker, will do everything in your power to keep all sides happy; even if it means your own happiness is lost in the shuffle. You also tend to lean towards avoiding drama, conflict and arguments.

So this really got me thinking...
In the past with my three children, I can remember being a peacemaker more than I care to admit.

  • When their father, whom I was divorced from during their teenage years, who would break promises and not show up; I always stuck up for him (the dad) and said he must be busy, or had something come up
  • When my husband now had an issue with one of the kids and their attitudes, I showed bias as their mother, disregarding their selfishness
  • I pacified ex-bosses to avoid conflict
  • When the kids argued, I constantly didn't choose sides. I made the ruling as I didn't want siblings mad at each other. I'd rather them think of me as that mean mom.
  • When I had a consumer problem I would call all upset trying to get my way, but I always settled for less.

Do any of these things sound like you? Well if they do, then you are like me. I am a, or was, a peacemaker. Notice I said was. Well that changed over the weekend.

My mom has been telling me for years... "I just don't care what people think anymore. I speak my mind."

Well her words rung true to my ears on Saturday.

Without going into too much details, let's just say I had a psycho mom moment. That's what my kids used to always say when I had reached my limit and started yelling, cussing and just basically, losing it.

Yeah... I lost it Saturday. I was in psycho mom overdrive!

My youngest stepson, who is 22, is on the verge of being that lazy young adult and is used to EVERY thing being handed to him, done for him and, just plain and simple, selfish. He just doesn't think for himself and expects too much to be done for him. Heck when I was his age, I had a home and mortgage, two kids of my own and responsibility. What does he have? A car payment... he pays his car insurance to us every month (never on time) and that's it! THAT'S IT! His job? The same one he had during high school. No motivation. No responsibility. NOTHING!

I asked him, which I rarely do, to do a quick task for me. I needed a fifty-pound bag of soil for some transplanting I was in the middle of and asked him to get it for me. I cannot lift anything that heavy due to the car collision I was involved in just two months ago; and he made this request appear to be the end of the world as we know it.

Seeing him huff and puff around my kitchen and slam the bag down on the kitchen floor twisted loose the psycho mom button. I blew!

I Lost IT!

I started on a rampage of words! I was off and running with his ungratefulness. I was spewing how lazy he was and how he wanted everything handed to him on a silver platter. I continued the rant and told him he needs to start doing things for himself. Be responsible. BE AN ADULT! Ugh

Needless to say he hasn't spoken to me, or his father, since Saturday when his last words to us (because dad started in on him too about being lazy) were "why is everyone yelling at me?"

Sorry but I don't fall for the pity party; or as I refer to it as P.L.O.M Disease (Poor Li'l Ol' Me).

Sure I felt bad after that. I still sort of do... but DANG! it felt so good to say all those truths!
So I think I have crossed the line from peacemaker to truth-teller and I feel liberated. Truly at peace with what happened.

How about you? Are you a peacemaker or a truth-teller?

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