My Rise To Power In The Seedy Underbelly Of The Internet - Chapter Two - Comedy Open Mic Round 14

I loved the power that came from being on staff at the torrent site, but the only problem was that they expected me to field networking questions in chat. Supposedly, everything that I needed to know was covered in the forum, but I couldn’t figure out how to navigate that thing, so, I came up with a new strategy: pass the buck.

Whenever someone asked me a question, I then messaged another moderator and asked if he had a link to a page in the forum about the given topic. This worked great, but since I was pretending to be a girl, I began to notice that all the moderators were beginning to subtly flirt with me, but I had bigger problems than virgin moderators.

I think all my dick-head neighbors had some sort of neighborhood watch meeting about me, because every open connection suspiciously became password protected, all at once. So, I was forced into putting the wifi canon on the roof to target those low-signal-people that lived further away.

At this point, I could barely hold a connection, which made my job much harder, because everyone asked questions in the IRC chat box, but the chat was constantly freezing for minutes at a time. Then, when the connection was restored thirty questions would appear all at once.

Even in my first staff meeting, I could barely keep up and when one of the guys called me baby, I lost my shit: “Stop calling me ‘baby.’ I’m a fucking dude!”

Everyone in the room instantly freaked out with comments like:
“WTF!!!!”
“OMG it’s a dude!”
“Sally’s a guy!”
“Why the fuck did you call yourself Sally?”
“Not cool bro, not cool!”
“Why are you pretending to be a girl?”

As I watched the endless messages, laced with angry, shocked and confused overtones zoom up the screen, I became horrified, wondering how many of these guys had been jerking off to me.

But as the messages subsided, I realized that everyone was waiting for me to give an explanation and it needed to be a damn good one in order to justify why I made the entire staff jerk off to a dude, or I would be banned from yet another private torrent site.

This was do or die and I quickly typed: “My girlfriend set up the account, but I manage it, because she’s useless. Seriously guys, she doesn’t even know how to seed, can you believe that shit?”

A few people threw out, “lol’s,” but many remained suspiciously silent; I imagine they were probably throwing up in the bathroom, while questioning their sexuality.

The owner of the site concluded the meeting and then I received a private message from him:

“Here is an invite to create a new account
I’ll add a 20GB upload credit
Your username is causing too much confusion
You can cross dress on your own time :P”

“Fucking hell!” I thought to myself, while shaking off the adrenalin from the morning staff meeting: “I hope they’re not all going to be like that, because I don’t know if downloading, The Wire is really worth all this stress!”

I knew that I had just dodged a bullet, so, I fought off every urge to troll them by choosing another girl’s name for my new account, just to see their reaction.

Instead, I tried to work even harder to rebuild trust, by pretending like I was a knowledgeable programmer. Initially this proved difficult, because, over the next few hours, the questions in the chat box were replaced with conversations about how I had been pretending to be a girl.

So, I compiled a list post links that I sent to new people to answer their questions and I became more selective about which staff members I parroted questions to and I always added a few jokes, so, they enjoyed my questions and didn’t get suspicious.

Two weeks went by and on paper, I looked like the model staff member; I had rebuilt relationships and I was back in the inner circle, but that all changed when I began injecting hydromorphone.

Hydromorphone is about ten times stronger than morphine and after a trip to the emergency room, my doctor thought that it was the best course of action, but she had no idea that I planned to inject them.

These things were great! I was first greeted by a rushing sensation and then all my pain magically disappeared, but, there were side effects, like: I couldn’t stop nodding out in the middle of conversations and my judgment was beginning to slip. So, while parroting a question to another staff member he responded with this:

“WTF
You literally just asked me this an hour ago and I think you asked me the same question yesterday! How do you not know what port forwarding is?”

I quickly went into damage control:
“ROFL
We were wondering how long it would take you to freak out!
I can’t believe it took you this long!
This is actually the fourth time that I’ve asked you the same question lol”

I could tell by his: “omg kek,” that he felt stupid as if he was the butt of the joke, but I knew that I needed to be more careful, because I had just burned this bridge and there were only a few people left that were dumb enough to answer my endless barrage of questions, without getting suspicious.

A few days later the owner sent me a private message asking for me to chat. “Oh shit! That asshole turned me in for not knowing what a forward port is!” I thought to myself as I casually typed: “What’s up?”

Luckily, the owner had no idea and he began offering to buy me a seed box and some other futuristic sounding things that I had never heard of before, so, I could play a bigger role in his torrent site.

Relieved, I instantly typed, “That sounds great!” but then I noticed that he said, “seed box,” and I became concerned, because I still didn’t know how to seed or how to use any of the equipment that he just mentioned.

Then it dawned on me: I had never parroted questions to the owner and I could probably ask him two or three questions before he would get suspicious. So, I finally asked the question that I had been dying to know the answer to:

“Do you know if there is a post in the forum explaining the best way to seed a torrent?”

Instead of offering a helpful link the owner typed this: “What!!! You don’t know how to seed a fucking torrent!!!”

In that moment, I was sick of lying and I just wanted an answer, so, I wrote: “I’ve been on a dozen torrent sites and I have over 3,000 torrents on my computer, am I suppose to seed them all?”

As I predicted, the owner didn’t like honesty and he began to lose his mind:
“No, you fucking idiot, you are just suppose to seed our torrents!
Why the fuck would we care if you seed torrents from another site?
Why did you even ask to be on staff if you don’t how to seed?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
How fucking stupid are you!”

While looking at all the insults I became offended and I fired back: “I’m honestly surprised that it took you this long to figure out that I have no idea of what I’m doing. Seriously bro, how mismanaged is this place?”

“Fuck you!” the owner typed in a fit of rage and then he disconnected.

And with that, I lost my job, but since so many torrents sites were getting raided, with mass arrests, I had a feeling that being infiltrated by an idiot really shook the owners confidence: a few weeks later, without any warning, that torrent site went offline for good.

Lucky for me, everyone hated that torrent site and the owner, so, when I applied for the more exclusive torrent sites, I just told them this story and I was instantly granted a new account.