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Oh... Those are lots of words!

justbeyondthePosted for Everyone to comment on, 4 years ago4 min read

"If you were wise enough to know that this life would consist mostly of letting go of things you wanted, then why not get good at the letting go, rather than the trying to have." Miranda July - The First Bad Man

CW: Anxiety, Depression, Gender identity

Clears throat in Canadian
Lets begin by me telling you that i don't know what I want you to call me. I am trying to find a name that makes me happy but it is just very strange to wake up one day and realize you don't like being called by your given name. For me to tell you this means this is the first platform where I will be open about being Non-Binary/Gender queer and slowly transitioning to express this. This in itself is a big step for me for fear of the reactions of people close to me but I can't express how hard it has been to keep this closeted. But for the sake of me needing a name lets you and I just stick with D.

Okay yeah, but who are you already?

Well damn, fine! I live in Alberta Canada, I am in my early Thirties, I am oh so luckily married to one of the kindest hearts beating this side of the blue, I dropped out of college because it was too stressful so I've been working a career in the trades as my own boss :sunglasses: , I hobby and or Art constantly to distract from the Depressions and i rarely do the same thing for more than a year. But i have been trying to change that!

Well that's about as much as I can say without getting to the thing hanging over my head. So If you are ready lets try to get through the doom and gloom together, I believe in us!

I am currently off work on mental health leave. which is the nice way of saying my body freezes from overwhelming anxiety and depression when i try to work so i can't get anything done. This happens at least twice a day and lasts about an hour. then it takes at least another hour just to entertain the idea of trying to work again. This is not the beginning of my journey battling my mental health, i remember knowing depression with familiarity at the age of 11. And even though i blindly tried to fix myself my whole life i have only been seeking professional help for 3 years. So that's the the short version and perhaps one day ill get into talking about the fair share of physical and mental health problems my wife and I have suffered but for reference we are just about out of a 4 year....slump...sure lets call it that haha.

On the bright side though my therapy has encouraged me to look at things differently. i try to ask myself how I am feeling at random intervals in my day and if the thing i am currently doing is making me feel happy, or if it is benefiting me in some way. Well lets try it now.

D- Are you enjoying writing this blog post?
D- Well I don't know, i mean i'm writing out an internal dialogue that is sure to drive people into boredom if they aren't already gone. Plus i'm worried about getting negative or hurtful comments about other things i mentioned.
D- Okay, yes those are scary things but are you enjoying this.
D- Yes, it feels empowering to share what i'm feeling rather than hide it.
D- Then that's all we need to hear.


[Image Description: A painting of three hills, a distant purple sky, with two people vaguely penciled in on the closest hill.]
3 hill trees.jpg

I think this thing is like at least 1/3 too long so here is some tax. It is a painting i am working on that is in its infancy. Isaw the image in a dream and it matched perfectly to @poeticsnake 's prompt for me to paint a 'perfect place'.

I need to thank her again for everything, she is so inspirational.

Umm...BYE!

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