I've never been the same as the other people

When I was a kid I had a hard time making friends and even as an adult I do too. I don't know what it is but people don't want to get to know me. Some people say I'm autistic and I probably am but I never got tested. My therapist wanted me to test for it when I was a kid but we couldn't afford all of the money it was going to cost so I didn't go. I also didn't want to have to tell people so I just didn't do it. Mom said she would get the money but it just didn't seem like it would be worth it.

I used to be way angrier about the way people treated me and I almost got kicked out of high school for fighting back when some kids were saying awful things to me for no reason. I didn't bother other people at all. I tried to be nice to them even when I didn't want to be. Not because I wanted them to like me but because I was always taught that we shouldn't lower ourselves because other people do. I quit going to church when I was a teenager because other kids and even adults would say things under their breath about me being an R word and other things. I did pretty good in school too. Not great but I wasn't failing. Some of them were though.

Now I understand that people are usually scared of something or were treated badly and then they learn to treat others badly. It's a cycle.

It would be a good cycle to break.

Thanks for letting me talk to you guys about this. I only have a few people to talk to and it feels good to talk and I really appreciate it.