Still on the Healing Process
For a long time, I had no idea how to begin this. I opened my word document, stared at it for a moment, then sat back on my chair. I'm doing this because I'm trusting the words and the process to help.
I'm boxing again. Until this morning, I had refused to admit it to myself. I blamed it on work stress. We are one worker down at my workplace so I'm shouldering some of the responsibilities that used to be his, till a new person comes. It's always convenient to hide behind something. Hiding behind people is tricky because they call you out at some point. But things that can't speak for themselves are perfect. All you have to do is convince yourself that they're the reason for your problem.
I haven't written anything new in almost two weeks. This past month I've been smiling and laughing genuinely. This is a first in more than a year. Usually when I'm this emotionally exhausted, I get hyper – a fake kind. It lasts for a few days before knocking me down again, this time, harder than before. But this is different. That happiness is still inside of me and I know it isn't going away. Maybe they're right when they say that love takes us places, especially with the right soul who understands and heals you completely. So I'm holding on to that.
Grief is a nasty thing. I'm trying to live more for myself now. The path I'm on right now, I'll get a lot of disapprovals. Family will fight me but I've gotten to that point in my life where my peace and happiness are the most important. I've never been a rebel. And as crazy as it sounds, I've always followed that path laid out for me as a child. Not once did I consider threading differently and if I could find my real self when I do.
Everything changed not long ago. You know when something keeps nagging you, it's there, you know but you keep pushing it off. This was me for the most part of my adult life. As modern as I am (my family thinks that), I hugely ignored. I knew it was there but I paid no attention, till I couldn't look away anymore. And believe me when I say that it's the best thing that has happened to me yet. Still, there's this restlessness because I know the people I care about would be reluctant to approve. Why would I want approval, you may ask.
Grief. I missed her terribly yesterday. I was in the middle of something when a thought crossed my mind. Something we used to joke about. It made me smile for a moment but I ended up becoming miserable for the rest of the day. One thing kept me going. I mentioned it before. Souls that beat together as one.
There was this thing my brother used to do when she was with us. Whenever he came back, he would kneel in front of her and ask her to bless him. I used to be amused by it but I understand it now. And I wish I did too, even if it's just once. The many times I sat at her feet and let her pull my hair, cracking her made up jokes. She always told me she wanted me to have the good things in life and that I would definitely have them. She did bless me, I know but it would have been nice if I asked for it once in a while. What would she say if she was here and I told her about this new feeling and how content and happy it makes me?
I believe this would go a long way. I can't say I'll stop boxing. For now the clouds will let up and I might be able to write a thing or two. Writing is the only way I know how to express. Grief is nasty, I said that before, especially when it's a parent you're close to and love more than anything. I'll miss her everyday, I know. I can only hope it gets easier at some point and I'll be able to think about her without tears in my eyes.
Thank you for reading this far. Tell me, how's your day going? I've been away for too long.