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Dear, Diary. It's All Over Now.

chinyerevivianPosted for Everyone to comment on, 5 years ago3 min read

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There are words running around in my head. Or maybe it’s my mind, I’m not sure. I can hear them, see them vividly. But as I open this page to write them down, they all disappear. I can’t find them anymore. They’ve grown so quiet I can hear my heartbeat. I’m staring at this white space, not knowing where or how to start.

25th began rather well. She was fine. We did the normal rituals – bathing, eating, sleeping. She was talking. We shared jokes. She was okay. Night came and soon, she was asleep. I slept too till she woke me. She asked me to help her adjust the pillow, which I did. She went back to sleep. I did too. After a few minutes, I raised my head and noticed that her breathing had changed. She wasn’t struggling but it wasn’t exactly normal. I watched her for a long time. The breath was even. I shrugged and lay down again but I was restless. I got up and continued to watch her. That was when I noticed that the breathing had slowed. She still wasn’t struggling but her chest was taking a long time to come up. I touched her shoulders and called her – no response. I touched her hands and they had gone cold. I kept pushing her shoulders and calling but she didn’t answer me. Her breathing had ceased. She was gone. It was past 1AM.

For a moment I was taken back to that day, three years ago when my Papa passed. I had watched him too, double checking the oxygen mask every few minutes, running along the long hospital corridors from the lab to the pharmacy to the food vendors and back to his room. He had struggled a lot. Seeing him lose the battle, watching him breathe his last.

I don’t know how I feel right now. So I figured I should tell my diary what happened. They took her away. Everything is just blank. I sat in her room for a long time. I didn’t sob. The tears just came quietly. I left when the relatives got loud. I hated that.

Evening came and I saw her, or rather felt her spirit. I don't know. I was going to walk down the street and get something. It was already dark. I was already on my way when I remembered that I didn’t close the front door. I turned and saw a shadow standing by the door. It was gone immediately. I got chills and goosebumps. Could be my mind playing tricks at me.

I still don’t know how I feel. The tears are coming slowly now, like halting footsteps. I’m just going to sit here.

She was my Mama.

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